Parenting Through Divorce: The Guilt No One Talks About (and What Helps)
Even when it doesn’t feel like it, sometimes the bravest and best thing a mother can do is choose a healthier life — even when that choice comes with heartbreak and uncertainty.
My son started high school a few weeks ago, and already the stress that comes with living across two homes is taking its toll. Earlier mornings, different transport routes, various uniforms (school, sports, house — I mean, how many can there be?), plus the books, the laptop, the chargers… all the extra ‘things’ to remember to move from one place to another.
And it’s brought up something I don’t think we talk about enough: the emotional load of parenting through divorce — and the guilt that can sit underneath it all.
There’s a question I was asked in a podcast interview recently: What’s the biggest challenge you’ve ever faced?
I didn’t hesitate: Going through my divorce.
My children were seven and two at the time, and even now I still carry guilt about the impact it had on them — and the impact it still has.
Because divorce doesn’t just end a relationship.
It changes the shape of family life. It changes routines, homes, weekends, friendships, celebrations, finances, and the emotional load you carry as a parent.
And when your children are little, you’re not just navigating your own grief and fear — you’re trying to be their safe place while your world is shifting under your feet.
I’m sharing this because I know how many women carry this quietly.
You can be functioning.
You can be doing the school lunches, the drop-offs, the work meetings, the bedtime routines.
And still feel like you’re failing.
Divorce changes more than people realise
There’s the obvious stuff: the paperwork, the logistics, the finances, the housing decisions.
But the part that can be hardest to explain is what it does to your nervous system.
When life becomes unpredictable, your body stays on alert.
You might notice it as:
A constant tightness in your chest
A short fuse (even when you don’t want one)
Brain fog and decision fatigue
Sleep that never feels deep enough
Feeling like you’re “on” all the time
And when you’re parenting through that, it’s not just hard — it’s relentless.
The part about divorce people don't talk about enough
Living between two homes can be deeply disruptive for children. Even when everyone is doing their best, it’s a lot for little nervous systems to hold.
And when there’s animosity between parents, it adds another layer entirely.
You can be trying so hard to keep things calm and consistent, but you’re also:
Managing communication that feels tense or unpredictable
Making decisions while second-guessing yourself
Absorbing emotions you didn’t ask for
Trying to protect your kids from adult conflict
Carrying the mental load of two households, even when you only control one
It’s exhausting.
And it can be isolating — because from the outside, you’re “coping”.
The guilt about divorce that lingers
Guilt is one of the most common (and cruel) companions after divorce.
It shows up as:
I should have tried harder
I’ve broken their family
This is going to damage them
They didn’t deserve this
I’m failing them
But here’s what I want to say gently and clearly:
Guilt doesn’t automatically mean you did the wrong thing.
Often, it means you care deeply — and you’re carrying more responsibility than is yours to carry.
Sometimes the bravest thing a mother does is choose a healthier life, even when it comes with heartbreak.
What I wish I knew sooner (about being a single mum)
I didn’t need to be a perfect mum.
I needed to be a steady one.
Over time, what helped most was focusing on what I could control:
Creating predictable routines in my home
Staying grounded before difficult conversations
Learning how to respond instead of react
Building support around me (because doing it alone isn’t sustainable)
Letting “good enough” be enough on the hard days
And I had to keep coming back to this truth:
My children don’t need a flawless version of me. They need a present one.
A regulated one.
A mum who repairs when things get messy and keeps showing up.
Letting the small stuff go (when you’re running on empty)
What I learned most was that it’s OK to let the small stuff go — if you don't have the time or energy to cook something for dinner, baked beans on toast or two-minute noodles will fill the gap for that night.
That can be hard to practise (especially if you’re a high achiever and/or a people pleaser — or, like me, both), but lowering my own expectations made room for a calmer, more considered approach.
And honestly, I don't know many kids that don't love two-minute noodles.
A reframe that helped me
One of the most painful parts of divorce is feeling like you’ve taken something away from your children.
And I’m not here to pretend it doesn’t affect them.
It does.
But the reframe that helped me breathe again was this:
My children don’t need a perfect family structure. They need emotional safety.
They need at least one home where they can exhale.
They need a parent who can hold boundaries, model repair, and show them what it looks like to move through hard things without abandoning yourself.
That doesn’t erase the grief.
But it can soften the shame.
Two small exercises to try when the guilt creeps back in (choose which one suits best)
I know “do an exercise” can feel like one more thing on the list.
So here are two small options — both designed for the real-life days, not the perfect ones.
The 5-minute guilt journal (the thing that changed everything for me)
Journalling might sound fluffy to some, but writing down what I was feeling became a game changer for me.
It was where my self-awareness grew, and I recognised that I was carrying way more than I needed to be. And acknowledging that reduced the weight I was carrying.
If you’ve got five minutes, try this:
What am I feeling guilty about today — in one honest sentence?
What am I assuming this guilt means about me as a mum?
What’s one piece of evidence that I’m still showing up (even in a messy season)?
What would I say to a friend in my exact situation?
What’s one small thing I can do today that supports steadiness — not perfection?
You don’t need to write pages. A few lines is enough.
The “steady mum” reset (60 seconds, no journalling required)
When you’re about to spiral — or you’ve got that familiar tight chest / racing mind feeling — try this quick reset:
Put one hand on your chest and one on your belly
Inhale for a slow count of 4
Exhale for a slow count of 6
Repeat 5 times
Then ask yourself:
What’s the next right thing — the smallest steady step — for me and the kids today?
That might be dinner sorted, a calmer handover, an earlier bedtime, or simply lowering the bar and choosing presence.
If you’re in this season too
If you’re navigating divorce and motherhood, and you’re carrying guilt like a weight you can’t put down — you’re not alone.
This is one of the hardest seasons a woman can walk through. It can feel like survival mode: constant decisions, constant emotional labour, constant worry.
And you deserve support in it.
If you’re ready to reset and realign — not by pushing harder, but by steadying yourself from the inside out — you’re welcome to reach out.
Ready to make a change? If so, Let’s Connect.
Nicole